Turmoil
by Kin Siofra
Summary: Should I like him or hate him? I don't know anymore. There are so many pros and cons to consider. Lovino has inner turmoil. He doesn't know whether to like or hate his little brother. Rated M for later chapter
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

_I hate Feliciano! No… that's not true… He- No! I hate him! No! He's my little brother, I don't hate him! Yes… I do hate him! Everyone always hangs around Feliciano. I'm left alone in the darkness! No one cares about me! Not even that bastard Spain! Everyone loves Feliciano! No… I… Wait… What… I don't even know anymore… I can't think._

0-0-0

A young Spaniard, around 20, sighed as he sat down on the couch downstairs. His ivory hand brushed through his messy brown hair as his emerald eye stared at the ceiling. He didn't know what to do anymore. The Italian that he loves had locked himself in his room and didn't want to come out.

_Lovi…_ he thought with a sigh. Lovino hadn't eaten in three days. At this rate, he would die of starvation and dehydration. A knock came at the door and the Spaniard stood up. He walked to the brown wooden doors, grabbed the handle, and opened it to see a short Italian with light brown hair standing there.

"C-Ciao Antonio," the Italian weakly smiled as he looked up at the Spaniard. Antonio didn't smile though.

"Hey Feli…" he said with a saddened tone. Feliciano walked into the house as he was invited in. Feliciano looked at Antonio with concern.

"Uh… S-So… How is fratello?" Antonio shook his head with regret.

"He still hasn't come out of his room, and he hasn't eaten anything for three days now… I'm worried but…" Feliciano nodded.

"I-I'll go take to him." Antonio nodded as he watched Feliciano ascend the stairs towards Lovino's room. He sighed. What would he do if Lovino died? What point would there be in living anymore?

0-0-0

"L-Lovino," Feliciano said as he walked into his brother's room. An Italian with dark brown hair said at the window sill, staring out of it almost as if he were a statue that were to never be moved from its spot. Lovino didn't move though. He stayed still. Feliciano took a deep yet quiet breath as he smiled and ran to his brother, hugging him. "Lovino! I missed you!"

Lovino said and did nothing. Feliciano stood up and looked at his brother with concern. What could've caused his brother to be in such a state? When he had hugged Lovino, he could feel that he was smaller than before form lack of nutrition in his body. Feliciano slightly shook as he looked around the room. It was a fairly small room. A bed on one side and a dresser on the other, a large window where one could sit and look out of it like Lovino was doing now. That was about all that was in the room with the wooden floors and pale walls.

"Hey Lovino, do you want to take a walk?" Feliciano asked happily, trying to keep his spirits up even with the state his brother was in. No answer. "How about we get some pasta?" No answer. "How about some Gelato?" No answer. Feliciano's tone was starting to sadden the more he continued with asking Lovino what he wanted to do. He pained him. Why was Lovino like this? He didn't understand. Feliciano grabbed his brother's pale ivory hand and this was enough for Lovino to finally look at him. However, his amber eyes were dull and lifeless. It was like he had no soul.

Lovino's lips moved to speak, but nothing came out. He was mute. Feliciano wanted to cry but he kept smiling as he gave his brother a piece of paper and pen to write down what he wanted to say. Lovino took them and wrote before holding it up.

'_Get the hell away from me Feliciano,'_ the paper read. Feliciano felt his heart shatter as he saw what his brother wanted to say. Tears formed on the rims of his eyes, wanting to flow over. Feliciano quickly turned and ran out of the room. Lovino turned his attention back to the outside world through his window.

Feliciano cried as he ran down the stairs. Antonio looked at him with concern. "W-What's wrong Feli?" he asked. Feliciano ran up to Antonio and hugged him, crying into his chest.

"L-Lovino… he… he doesn't like me… anymore…" Feliciano's voice choked out in a muffle, but Antonio could understand him. He became saddened as he petted the Italian's head. He didn't know what to say or to do. All he could do was try to comfort Feliciano with movements. What had gotten into Lovino?


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

_At least he's eating now,_ Antonio thought as he saw Lovino sitting at the table. He walked over and smiled at Lovino.

"Hey Lovi!" he said. Lovino slightly glanced at Antonio before returning his gaze down at his food. Antonio seemed a bit hurt, but ignored it as he grabbed a tomato from the fridge and sat down at the table. "You sleep okay?" Lovino said nothing. Antonio took a bite of his tomato. "You feeling better?" Silence. Antonio sighed. He wasn't going to get anything out of Lovino, he could tell. Lovino stood up from the table, placing a small note on the table for Antonio before walking off to return to his bedroom once again.

Antonio looked down at the note and froze as his eyes gazed at the words. _'Go to hell…'_ He could feel his heart sink to his stomach and shatter into dozen – even millions – of small fragments. No. This wasn't the Lovi he loved. No. This wasn't even the _way_ Lovino acted. Sure, he may have acted like his old self, but Antonio knew that Lovino wouldn't say _this_ harsh of comments to anyone. Was is a comment like this that made the chipper Feliciano Vargas, who was always so nice to his older brother, break down crying so much?

Antonio sighed. That must've been it. He just really wanted to know why Lovino was acting like this. Why would he want everyone to go to hell or go away? He just couldn't understand. Antonio stood up and walked over to the phone as he dialed a number. He waited.

"_Hello…?"_ a soft Italian voice came from the phone.

"Hey Feli!" Antonio said happily, trying to cheer the Italian on the other end up.

"_Oh… A-Antonio…"_

"How are you doing today!"

"_Alright I guess…"_

Antonio sighed as he heard Feliciano's said tone. "Is it still bugging you?"

"_huh? W-What do you mean?"_ Feliciano asked with confusion.

"About what Lovi said – er – wrote down yesterday…"

"_Oh…"_ Silence filled the air between the lines for several minutes. Several _long_ minutes. _"Yeah… It is…"_

"I see…" Antonio replied as he stared at the wall in front of him with a look of sadness and concern. "I'm sure he's just going through a phase…" Feliciano was silent. "I'll try to talk to him, okay?"

"_Okay…"_ Before Antonio could say anything more, Feliciano hung up the phone on him. The Spaniard let out a sigh as he placed the phone back onto the receiver.

_Feli's really upset about all of this,_ Antonio thought. _His tone was almost non-existence to his normal tone…_

Antonio looked towards the stairs with a stern look. He stood there and stared for several minutes before actually walking up the cherry oak stairs. The stairs shined as if they had just been polished and the wooden floor of the hallway looked to be as if it had just been as well. Antonio reached the top of the stairs and walked into Lovino's room. Once again the Italian was sitting on the window sill and starting out the window that was getting pounded with rain.

"Hey Lovi!" Antonio said happily as he walked over to his lover. "Do you want to go out and do something today?" Lovino said nothing as he continued to stare out the window, making Antonio slightly sad. He brushed it off. "I know it's raining, but we can still do something Lovi!"

Lovino looked over at Antonio with a stern look on his face. It didn't make the Spaniard flinch though; he was used to getting that look. However, when Antonio looked into the Italian's amber eyes, he could see that they were dull and almost lifeless… a look that Antonio wasn't used to seeing when Lovino was completely awake and had just eaten. Antonio slightly shook but put up a happy exterior anyways.

"Come on Lovi," Antonio said as he kissed the Italian on the cheek. To his surprise, Lovino didn't react to it. Antonio looked back at Lovino and felt heart broken. Normally Lovino would get mad at him and push him away while blushing profusely, but there wasn't any reaction. No blush on Lovino's face. Nothing. Antonio could feel his heart ripping in two at this sight.

_What's wrong with you Lovi?_ Antonio asked himself in thought. Antonio slightly tilted Lovino's head upwards as he stood up. Lovino looked at the Spaniard, his eyes still dull. Even at this point, Antonio knew that anything he did wouldn't snap the Italian out of the state he was in. Antonio's emerald eyes filled with pain as he kissed Lovino on the lips with a quick peck before exiting the room. He could feel tears stinging his eyes, ready to overflow at any minute. With the closing of the dark oak door to Lovino's room, Antonio's tears gushed over.

_Lovi…_ he thought as he cried. His back leaning against the door and his left hand covering his mouth. What could have caused Lovino to look and act this way? Antonio wanted to know so badly, but he didn't want to pressure Lovino to tell him. He was stuck with no where to go. _Tomorrow. I'm sure he'll be back to normal tomorrow._ That's what Antonio wanted to believe, but he knew somewhere in his heart that it probably wasn't going to happen.

0-0-0

The sun peeked into the curtains of Antonio's room, making the Spaniard's eyes shut tightly before slowly opening. He didn't recall ever falling asleep last night. The last thing that he remembered doing was sitting on his head and staring at the wall. His emerald eyes were slightly dull, still tired from being woken from his deep slumber.

"Oy, Antonio!" a familiar Italian voice raged. Antonio turned over to see Lovino standing over him. Antonio stared into the Italian's eyes. They were normal. They weren't dull or looked as if they were lacking sleep. Had Lovino returned to normal like he had thought?

"Lovi!" Antonio exclaimed happily as he hugged the Italian, or at least he attempted to. Lovino briskly walked out of the room without saying anything word. Antonio face planted into the floor before sitting up, rubbing his face slightly from the impact. He then proceeded to stare at the door where Lovino had left from, making Antonio sigh with sadness.

_Lovi…_ he thought as he looked at the ground. Antonio had thought that Lovino was back to normal, but he knew that he wasn't. Antonio picked himself from the floor, dressed himself, and walked downstairs where Lovino was sitting on the couch. The television was on, but the volume was quiet, making it hard to hear what was even being said. Antonio stood near the hallway for several minutes before walking into the living room with a bright smile on his face.

"Lovi, we should go out and do something!" Antonio said as he hugged the Italian. Once again there was no reaction. Antonio turned Lovino's face towards him. His heart sinking as he looked into his lover's golden orbs. Dull. Lifeless. That's what they looked like again. Lovino remained silent again, not answering the Spaniard if they should go do something or not. Antonio looked down with slight disappointment before walking over to the other side so he stood in front of Lovino.

Antonio took Lovino's ivory hand as he pulled the Italian to his feet. Lovino jerked up before he was pulled out of the living room and out the front door. Antonio dragged Lovino along like he was a lost child in search of his parents, but he didn't care. He would find a way to snap Lovino out of whatever it was he had… and there was only one way that he could think of that would snap him out of it.

0-0-0

"Oh? That's a strange request coming from you Toni," a voice with a French accent said as he swirled the dark liquid in his glass cup. Antonio looked down at the water in his glass with slight depression.

"I just want to snap him out of this Francis," Antonio replied as he glanced over at Lovino who was sitting several feet away. "He's not acting like himself and I was hoping that, maybe, you-"

"I see…" Francis interrupted Antonio before taking another sip of his wine. Antonio's thumbs brushed against the glass in his hand. Francis looked at the expression on Antonio's face and sighed. "You won't get mad at me, right?" Antonio nodded. "Alright…"

Francis set his glass down on the table and stood up. He nodded at Antonio before walking over to where Lovino was sitting. Lovino stared down at his glass filled with juice. The light colored liquid was still fully there and hadn't been touched since he received it. Francis walked up to the Italian and stood in front of him, his shadow hovering over Lovino. However, Lovino didn't look up or even move.

_Antonio's right,_ Francis thought as he looked down at Lovino with his blue eyes. _Lovino really isn't doing much._

Francis walked behind Lovino and hugged the Italian like he normally did. No reaction was given. Francis looked at Lovino with a curious look. Normally Lovino would freak out about him touching him. No wonder Antonio was asking for his help. Something really _was_ wrong with the Italian. Francis looked over at Antonio and saw that the Spaniard was keeping his gaze from them, which was probably a good thing. Francis then proceeded to moving his hand up Lovino's white button up shirt. Still no reaction. Francis raised a brow with curiosity as he pulled away from the Italian. Lovino was still staring at his drink with dull eyes. Francis sighed as he looked over at Antonio again. Antonio still was not looking at them.

_Alright,_ Francis thought. _Time for drastic measures._

Francis took the glass from Lovino's hands and set it on the table that was near the bench the Italian was sitting on. Lovino didn't react as the cup was slipped from his fingers. Francis looked at Antonio again before looking back at the Italian that sat in front of him as if he was a statue. Francis' eyes narrowed as he slammed Lovino onto his back on the bench. Lovino's dull amber eyes stared up at Francis' pale face as he knelt over the Italian. Still no reaction. Francis sighed as he stood back up and walked back over to where Antonio was. He sat back down in his chair.

"There really is something wrong with him," Francis stated to Antonio. "He didn't react to anything that I did to him." Antonio's expression became saddened even more than it already was.

"I see… that's what I was afraid of…." Antonio commented. Francis sighed.

"We could get him drunk and see if he'll tell us what's wrong with him." Antonio glared at Francis.

"Don't you dare." Francis sighed again.

"Alright, Alright."

Antonio weakly smiled up at Francis and said: "Thank you for trying though."

"No problem mon ami," Francis replied with a soft smile. "Anything for you." Antonio smiled as he stood up and placed his glass down.

"Thank you for your time." Francis gestured to Antonio as his way of saying good-bye. Antonio turned around and froze.

"L-Lovi!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

Antonio and Francis stared at the empty bench that Lovino had once been sitting. Both of them were shocked that they didn't hear the Italian get up and walk away.

"He doesn't like to stay still," Francis commented with a sigh. Antonio nodded in agreement as he nervously smiled at Francis. He waved to the Frenchman before running off to find Lovino before something happened to him. Francis waved to his Spanish friend with a look of concern. He had never seen Antonio look that depressed before in his life, not even when they were children did the Spaniard look like that. Francis sighed as he picked up his glass and took a drink. Something told him that he wasn't going to like how things might turn out.

_He made no reaction,_ Francis thought as he stared down into his glass that was almost empty.

0-0-0

"Lovi!" Antonio called as he searched for the Italian. Where had Lovino gone? Antonio panted heavily as he looked around. Lovino got away pretty quickly within a few minutes of Antonio and Francis talking. Antonio felt his heart sink again as he continued to look for Lovino.

The scenery blurred by him as he ran down the streets of the town. He weaved through the people on the streets as he continued to look for his lover. Why had Lovino walked off without saying anything? Antonio didn't understand what was going through Lovino's mind, but he wanted to know so badly so he could help him. Antonio was so desperate at this moment to help Lovino that he could even give his own life if that made his lover happy. Antonio stopped running and leaned against a wall, trying to catch his breath.

_Lovi... where are you?_ Antonio asked himself in thought as his eyes wandered around the streets from where he was standing. His breathing was still staggered, but not as heavy as it had once been. Antonio eventually stopped breathing heavily and looked around again before walking off.

Antonio walked the streets, feeling lonely. Was it an effect of seeing Lovino acting like he was? Antonio weakly chuckled at his stupid behavior. He shouldn't be acting like this. He had to stay positive, especially around Lovino. He slapped the sides of his face before smiling and running off, determined to find Lovino.

0-0-0

"This kid looks like a fucking soulless person," a man said as he looked at the auburn haired Italian in front of him. Two others stood on each side of the Italian.

The man on Lovino's left smirked as he looked at him. "If he's like this I'm pretty sure we could do anything to him."

"That's true," the first man said with an evil smile as he brushed some of his messy black hair from his brown eyes before putting his arms out to keep Lovino from going anywhere. Lovino blinked as he looked up at the man. An angered expression appeared on Lovino's face and in his eyes as glared at the man who stood in front of him.

"Get the fuck out of my way you bastard," Lovino growled. The first man smirked.

"Hey boys look, the little Italian is talking now."

"I said to get out of my fucking way." The first man smirked even more than before as he stared into the amber orbs in front of him, still glaring at him.

"No one can hear you in this abandoned alley way." Lovino seemed to freeze in place as he heard the man speak those words, making the man laugh as grabbed Lovino's wrist.

"Let me go!" Lovino yelled.

"I don't think so," the first man said as he gestured to his two friends. The two nodded and stood near the entrance of the alley way. Lovino seemed to understand right away what was about to happen. He quickly got out of the man's grasp and ran for dear life, his eyes wide with fright. No way would he let that kind of thing happen to him. However, the man was hot on his heels.

Lovino took as many paths to try and loose the man, but it didn't seem to be any use. He couldn't get the man away from him. Lovino sped up when he saw the sight of the streets in front of him. He closed his eyes as he ran out of the alley, only to run into someone and both crash to the ground.

"Ah… L-Lovi?" a familiar Spanish voice asked. Lovino's eyes slowly opened as he looked up to stare into green orbs. Tears stung Lovino's eyes as he looked at Antonio's face.

"A-Antonio…" he softly said, making the Spaniard smile.

"Hey Lovi, I was looking for you," Antonio said with a happy expression on his face. Lovino hugged Antonio, which was something that still always surprised Antonio. However, Lovino never hugged him very much anyways. Antonio patted Lovino's head he helped the Italian to his feet. "Hey, do you want to go get something to eat Lovi?"

Lovino nodded in reply, making Antonio brighten up even more than he had already been. Was Lovino back to normal now? Antonio took Lovino's hand and started walking off, dragging the Italian behind him.

"Is there any place you'd like to eat?" Antonio asked happily.

"Not really," Lovino replied. Antonio chuckled but nodded. He led the Italian into a Spanish restaurant and the two sat down.

0-0-0

"Get out of here!"

"VE~! B-Big brother! Please stop!" Antonio's eyes furrowed as he grabbed Lovino and held his wrist to keep from attacking Feliciano with random objects in the kitchen. He was lucky to have done so before the older Italian went for the knives. Lovino struggled against Antonio's strong grip, but his death glare was enough to make his little brother tremble with fear.

"Lovino stop!" Antonio yelled with a serious tone. Antonio never used Lovino's full name unless he was completely serious, which he was right now. Lovino didn't listen though. The Italian continued to struggle to get out of the Spaniard's grasp. Antonio looked over at Feliciano. "Go Feli! You should leave before something bad happens!" Feliciano stood there, hesitate as he looked at his brother. He then nodded shakily as he quickly ran out of the house and down the street. Antonio could feel Lovino's struggling ceasing as Lovino fell limp, falling asleep. Antonio sighed. He really couldn't understand what was going through Lovino's mind to make said Italian attack his brother.

Antonio picked Lovino up and set him on the couch, letting out a shaky sigh. The fear that he had seen in Feliciano's eyes had pained him so much. He had never seen the younger Italian look so scared in his life. Antonio had never even seen Lovino with so much anger before either. He looked down at the sleeping Italian who looked like he was in so much pain. Was he regretting how he lashed out at Feliciano? Or was it for a different reason?

_I don't understand,_ Antonio sighed as he collapsed onto the cold wooden floor beneath him. He wanted so much to yell at Lovino and demand what was going on. He wanted so much to slap the Italian across the face and tell him that he was acting stupid. But… he couldn't. No. He couldn't bring himself to do such a thing. It was a struggle within him self to want to hit Lovino because of the way he was acting. However, since he loved the Italian too much, he felt that he just couldn't bring himself to do such a thing.

Antonio resisted the urge to breakdown crying again. He couldn't afford to do it again. If he did, he knew he would be doing this every time he had to deal with Lovino. He knew that he couldn't be considered the strong person that most people consider him to be, even though he was extremely idiotic when it came to other things. He had to hold out until the bitter end.

_I'll make sure Lovino snaps out of this,_ Antonio thought with determination. There was no way that he was going to let Lovino suffer through all of this stuff without a little bit of support. Antonio knew he had to be there. He knew that the only thing he could put out there for Lovino was his chirper, cheery mood that his normally was and who most people had seem him as.

_I'll do it… No matter how hard it is, I will try my hardest for you mi amore…_ Antonio thought as he looked up and weakly smiled at the Italian still sleeping in front of him. Yes. He would try his best to help Lovino through this turmoil of his. He would. Even at the cost of his life. He would. He promised himself that much at least. Antonio placed a gentle tanned hand onto the Italian's frail, pale one. The Spaniard set his head next them as he smiled again before slowly drifting off in a deep slumber.

0-0-0

_**They say that when someone is in turmoil, they can act in different ways, and the reason for this is because so many emotions are going through their bodies. Sadness, anger, rage… so many emotions. When someone is in this state, it is said that they will not cease until the problem that caused this to happen is removed from their life. However… some things are better left unsaid…**_

0-0-0

Lovino shook as he stared at his hands, his body shaking aggressively. Sirens were blaring in the distance as he stared in complete and utter shock. What had he done? What… had he done?


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

Sirens blared and lights shone behind him as he stared at his hands. They were stained with crimson blood from the body that was below him. That's when he realized what he had done, making his body start to shake uncontrollably.

_No..._ he thought, his eyes not peeling off from his hands. _I... no..._

"L-Lovi...?" a familiar Spanish voice asked with concern as he looked at the Italian staring in fright on his knees. Lovino's amber eyes finally looked down at the body that the blood originated from. The sight of the body made Lovino's eyes widened even more than they already were. He really wished it hadn't been true.

"F...Feliciano..." Lovino's voice shook as he choked the name of his younger brother. The younger brother that had always been so good to him even with all his inner turmoil even if it wasn't much help since he ran away most of the time. His little brother in front of him was dead. Stone cold dead. Tears began to flow from Lovino's eyes as he realized what he had done. _He _had killed his own brother. _He _had killed his own family member. _He_ was a murder.

"Place him under arrest!" he heard an officer shout in a deep gruff voice as he felt his arms being forced behind him. Lovino didn't struggle though. He deserved to go to jail after what he did. He deserved to die.

"Stop!" he heard Antonio yell. "Don't take him!"

"We have to. He-" Lovino could feel his arms being released before he was hugged by the Spaniard.

"I know what he did!" Antonio yelled his voice shaking with angry. "But putting him in jail won't help anything! It'll only make it worse!" The officers looked at Antonio with shock, surprise, and a little amazement. They couldn't believe that the Spaniard was sticking up for the Italian murder so defensively. It was almost like he had planned on this happening and he had rehearsed what he was going to say before it even happened.

"What do _you_ suggest then?" the chief officer asked as he walked up to Antonio and Lovino, his eyes shining with an inner struggle to arrest the Italian and not to. Antonio looked over at the chief, his emerald eyes burning brightly and clearly with anger. There was no way he was going to let them take Lovino.

"Keep him with me. I'll keep him with me," Antonio finally stated.

"You're willing to put your life at risk just so this boy won't go to jail?"

"Yes." The chief and the officers looked at each other at Antonio's comment. None of them knew how to reply to Antonio's suggestion. All of them were bewildered that such a request was even said. All of them continued to look back and forth between themselves and the Spaniard. After several minutes of silence, the chief sighed.

"Alright, but we'll have officers stationed outside just in case. Is that fine with you Mr. Antonio Carriedo?" he asked. Antonio nodded, still holding onto Lovino who seemed completely out of it. The chief nodded in return as he walked off and began talking to some of his men.

Antonio returned his attention to Lovino. "Lovi, come on… snap out of it okay?" Antonio's voice was soft yet filled with concern. Lovino didn't answer as he fell unconscious in the Spaniard's arms. Antonio sighed as he held Lovino close to him, almost as if the Italian would, at any minute, jump up and run for his dear life.

_Don't worry Lovi… I'll make sure you forget all of this…_ Antonio thought as he softly kissed Lovino's head. _I promise… mi amore…_

0-0-0

Seventeen days. That's the amount of time that elapsed since the incident. Antonio was washing the dirty dishes that had piled up the last few days. He sighed as he looked at the clock. It was already around noon and Lovino still hadn't shown his face. The seventeenth day since Lovino kept himself hauled up in his room without coming out. The food that Antonio brought to him was only partly eaten everyday. It was starting to make Antonio severely worry about the Italian. Whenever he went up there, he could see the thin figure of Lovino become even thinner as the days passed. Sure, Lovino was eating, but it wasn't enough to keep him healthy.

_What am I going to do?_ Antonio asked himself in thought as he finished washing the dishes. He placed some detergent into the dish washer and started it up. A large 'thuck' sound could be heard as an indication that the machine was running. Antonio wiped his hands dry before slowly making his way up the cherry oak staircase. He would get Lovino out of his room again. The two could go on a nice walk together, even though an officer would be following them the entire time. The Spaniard didn't care though. He was going to get Lovino out of the house after so many days of being cooped up.

Antonio softly knocked on the door before slowly opening it. "Lovi~!" he called in a cheery voice like he always did. The room was still plunged in almost complete darkness. The curtains were closed, but the pale, tan fabric let the room slightly lighten up during the day. His eyes immediately went to the bed where the Italian was still lying. Motionless… almost as if Lovino had suddenly died of depression. A pained expression flashed across the Spaniard's face before he smiled again and walked over to the bed side where he could see his love's face. He gentle placed his hand on the Italian's pale face, gently rubbing it with his thumb.

"Lovi, come on," Antonio smiled with a gentle voice as he continued to rub the side of Lovino's face. "We're going to get you cleaned up and then we'll go for a nice walk, okay?" Lovino looked at Antonio with dull, emotionless eyes. He stared for several minutes before slightly nodding in reply. Antonio smiled painfully as he helped the Italian to his feet and guided him to the bathroom.

Antonio gently set Lovino onto the covered toilet before releasing said Italian and turned the knobs to start the bath. He would've made Lovino take a shower instead of a bath, but he wanted Lovino to relax as much as possible. The shock from killing his brother was still imprinted heavily on his heart. Once the bath was filled, Antonio turned back to Lovino with a smile.

"It's ready Lovi," he stated. "Get in okay? I'll bring you some towels and a change of clothes." Lovino simply nodded. Antonio nodded back before leaving the bathroom. After shutting the door, he leaned against it and covered his face. He shook his head as he tried to hold back the tears that were stinging his eyes.

_No crying!_ Antonio yelled in thought. _I can't cry… I need to stay strong. I…_

It was no use though. The tears flowed freely from Antonio's eyes. It broke him to see Lovino in such a state. He didn't like it. He hated it. He hated himself that he couldn't do anything to prevent this from happening to the Italian, his love, his amore. He quickly wiped his tears and proceeded to do what he had promised.

"Lovi!" Antonio sang as he entered the bathroom once more after retrieving towels and clothes. "LOVI!" Antonio dropped the items in hand and ran over to the bath, pulling the Italian from underneath the water. Luckily, pulling him up was enough to make Lovino cough for air. Antonio sighed with relief upon hearing Lovino was still alive and well.

"Antonio…" Lovino's voice came softly. Antonio lifted his head and smiled at him.

"Yes Lovi?"

"Please… just let me die…" Antonio froze as he heard Lovino speak those words. Let him die? There was no way that he would let that happen.

"No," Antonio stated bluntly. Lovino didn't look at Antonio nor did his dull, emotionless eyes falter.

"Just let me…"

"NO!" At the sound of Antonio's voice, Lovino actually looked at the Spaniard with a look of shock spread across his face. Antonio was now standing up, hovering over the Italian with an angry expression. "Lovi, you really need to snap out of whatever you're in! Just because you feel bad, doesn't mean you should give up on life just like that!" Antonio's expression softened to a more saddened look. "Do I really not matter anymore Lovi…?"

Lovino continued to stare at Antonio with a shocked expression. _'Do I really not matter anymore?'_ those words seemed to repeat in his head over and over. He didn't know how to reply. His mind seemed to be disoriented with so many things. First with the way he had been acting before, second was him killing his own brother, and now this. Did Antonio not matter anymore? He didn't know. He really didn't know. Lovino looked away from Antonio and stared down into the water. Antonio sighed.

"Lovi…. Please don't die okay?" Antonio asked as he gently placed Lovino's head against his chest, hugging the Italian. Lovino was surprised when he saw droplets falling into the water. He slightly looked up and saw that Antonio was crying. Antonio was _crying._ Lovino couldn't believe it. He had never seen Antonio cry before, not even when they were watching a really sad movie. Never.

Lovino was silent for several minutes as Antonio continued to hug him very close. "Let me go bastard…" he finally said. Antonio pulled out of the hug and rubbed the tears from his emerald eyes as he did so.

"Ah… I'm sorry Lovi…" Antonio weakly smiled. Lovino didn't look up at Antonio again, staring at the water. "I-I'll leave you alone now….. I'll check back on you later…" With that being said, Antonio left the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. Lovino didn't move, but his lips quivered with sadness. Was he wrong about every thing? But he killed his own brother, how could he ever forgive himself for it? How could _anyone_ forgive him for what he did? How could Antonio forgive him so easily?

0-0-0

The clock continued to tick in the quiet room. Antonio sat on the bed as he waited for Lovino to come out of the bathroom as his leg twitched nervously. His head was buried in his hands as he continued to wait, the time ticking by slowly to only make the tension in the air more uncomfortable. _Tick, Tick,_ went the clock as the minutes crawled by before the sound of a doorknob being turned could be heard. Antonio quickly turned the upper half of his body to see Lovino walking, more like staggering, across the room. His eyes had once again become dull and emotionless as he flopped onto the bed with his dripping wet hair. Antonio sighed as he took the towel that laid on Lovino's head and slowly began to dry the dark brown hair of the Italian.

"Tell me what's wrong Lovi," Antonio asked gently as he continued to dry. Lovino was silent as he continued to lay there. Antonio let out a soft yet quiet sigh as he finished drying Lovino's hair. Antonio stood up, pulling the Italian to his feet and smiling. "Let's go Lovi." Lovino said or did nothing as Antonio gently pulled him out the door.

0-0-0

_As the hour ticks away and the days roll by, the turmoil seems to be getting worse and worse. I'm at my wits end now. I have no idea what to do anymore. Can I really turn him back to normal, or even snap him out of his daze to talk to him about it? I really don't know anymore. Lovi… Mi amore…Lovi my love… please get better soon… I can't stand seeing you this way… I can't understand your inner feelings unless you tell me… please… come back to me…_

- March 13th, Entry in Antonio Carriedo's Journal


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

"_**Fratello, wait!"**_

"_**No! I won't!"**_

"_**Eh? W-Why… Why are you-"**_

"_**Why? You want to know why!"**_

"_**Uh-huh…"**_

"_**You really are stupid if you can't figure it out!"**_

"_**F-Fra-"**_

"_**You've always been the favorite of everyone! Do you know how much I have to strive to try to get people to like me!"**_

"_**W-Well…"**_

"_**You don't! You know why! Because you've never had to strive for it! Everyone has always loved you! You've always been everyone's favorite! You don't even fucking know how much I have to go through to get someone to like me!"**_

"…_**.but you have Antonio…"**_

"_**Shut the fuck up! He doesn't care about me! He likes you better than me! The only thing I'm good for is being his entertainment!"**_

"_**You know that's-"**_

"_**YES IT IS! It is true! Don't you tell me it's anything different!"**_

"_**Ah!"**_

0-0-0

Lovino's eye snapped open as he looked at the ceiling through the darkness. His breathing was staggered as sweat rolled down his face and tears forming in his eyes. His entire body shook as be slowly crunched up and hugged himself. It was haunting him now, he knew it. Feliciano was haunting him with those dreams.

_He can't forgive me!_ Lovino cried in thought as his eyes shut tightly. _Please stop Feliciano! I'm sorry!_

"Hm…?" a soft voice groaned as the blankets rustled a bit. "Lovi…?" Lovino was silent as he felt warms arms wrap around his thin frame, pulling him into a gentle hug. "Can you not sleep?" Lovino continued to be silent as he felt a cheek nuzzling his head. "It's okay Lovi… I'll keep you safe until you can fall asleep again…" The tears streamed down Lovino's face as he buried his head into the pillow. Antonio softly smiled as he pulled Lovino closer to him.

"It's okay Lovi… It's okay…" he said softly into the Italian's ear. Lovino continued to be silent as he kept his face buried in the pillow. Antonio continued to hug the sobbing Italian.

_It's alright mi amore,_ he thought as he closed his emerald eyes. _I'll make sure you feel better…_

Antonio kissed the nape of Lovino's neck, feeling the Italian slightly shiver at it. Antonio smirked as he proceeded to doing it again. Lovino shoved the Spaniard away from him, but to no avail. Antonio was too strong, especially now that Lovino's food intake had decreasing drastically.

"Te amo Lovi…" Antonio softly said as he hugged Lovino closer to him yet again. Lovino slightly blushed at the comment, but did nothing more. He didn't speak nor move, almost as if he had become a statue. "Te amo…" With that said, Antonio fell back to sleep, his arms still wrapped around Lovino.

_Stupid…_ Lovino thought as he laid there. He didn't know what to do now. If he tried to move he would wake the Spaniard up, but he couldn't fall back asleep either. So, he stared at the wall that he knew was there. He couldn't see it, but he knew he was still looking at it through the pitch dark room. Lovino cursed is insomnia. He could normally fall asleep with Antonio hugging him, but tonight was different. That dream was the thing keeping him awake, along with his insomnia. Not a very good combination.

Lovino knew how long the night could drag on when he wasn't sleeping. How Antonio could sleep through everything that had just happened he'd never know. Lovino quietly sighed. Why did Feliciano curse him so? He was truly sorry for what he did and he could never forgive himself for it.

_Feliciano… I'm sorry… please forgive me…_ Lovino thought as he started crying again. _Fucking tears…_ Lovino didn't like to cry, but he knew he had reason too.

0-0-0

Antonio groaned as he woke up, drool coming out of his mouth and had soaked the pillow he was holding. He blinked a few times, wondering when he had gotten a pillow to sleep with. He sat up before his eyes widened.

"Lovi!" the Spaniard yelled as he stumbled out of bed and ran over to the pale, bleeding Italian. Antonio lifted the Italian's upper body as he looked at the horrible cut on Lovino's arm. "L-Lovi…" Antonio kissed Lovino on the head. He couldn't understand why his lover would try to kill himself.

Antonio gently set Lovino down as he got up and quickly ran to the bathroom. He ran back out with a wet washcloth, ointment, and bandages. The Spaniard lifted Lovino's arm and started cleaning the blood off the Italian's arm. Once he was done with that he placed ointment onto Lovino's arm before he started to bandage it up. Lovino's face was still pale, but not as pale as it had been. The Italian was beginning to get some of the color back in his face, but Antonio knew it would take a little bit before the complete color was back in Lovino's face.

"Te amo…" Antonio softly cried as he finished tying Lovino's bandage. He pressed the Italian's hand against his cheek as a few tears slipped from his eyes. "Mi amore… te amo…"

"Uh?" Lovino groaned as his amber eyes slightly opened. Antonio quickly wiped the tears from his eyes and smiled happily at Lovino.

"Ah~! Lovi~!"

"Why am I… on the floor?"

"I-I don't know~! I found you here!" Lovino said nothing as he fell back asleep. Antonio weakly smiled as he lifted Lovino up and set the Italian on the bed, covering him up. Antonio pecked Lovino on the head as he turned to leave. However, he felt someone holding his wrist. He looked down at Lovino and saw the sleeping Italian holding onto him. Antonio smiled again as he sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at his lover.

_Lovi… you look so peaceful while you sleep,_ he thought as he saw the innocent look on the Italian's pale looking face. _I wish you would go back to normal… I miss my Lovi…_ Antonio stroked Lovino's head, making sure not to touch the curl on his head. _I miss you're attitude towards me Lovi..._

It was true. Antonio missed being yelled at by Lovino. The rough attitude that the Italian gave him was special and that was part of the reason the Spaniard fell for him. He even missed Lovino head-butting him for being an 'idiot.' He missed all of that. Antonio turned away from Lovino as his eyes met the floor, a saddened expression plastered on his face. Where had his Lovi gone?

0-0-0

"Ah~! Lovi, you're up~!" Antonio smiled happily as the Italian walked into the kitchen. Lovino nodded as he rubbed his eyes, trying to get the sleepiness out of them. He sat at the table as a plate of pasta was set in front of him. "Eat up okay?"

"P-Pasta?" Lovino asked, a bit surprised.

"Of course, why not?"

"But… you hate pasta…"

"But you love if Lovi," Antonio replied with a smile as he wrapped his arms around the Italian's body and kissing him softly on the cheek. "That's why I made it for you my love…" Lovino stared at the plate with a pained expression on his face as his hair shadowed his eyes.

"Antonio… why didn't you let them take me to jail?" Lovino asked. Antonio was slightly taken aback by the question, but his arms didn't move from around Lovino. He stood there for several minutes without talking, the two letting the question linger in the air. Antonio placed his head on Lovino's head, nuzzling it slightly.

"I didn't want you to go through this alone Lovi…" Antonio's arms pulled the Italian closer to him. "You're already suffering so much that I didn't want you to be alone in that place." Lovino remained quiet. "I… didn't want you to leave me…" Lovino's eyes slightly widened as he heard the choked words coming out of Antonio's mouth. He had never heard the Spaniard sound like this.

"Antonio…" he softly said as he slightly looked up. His eyes widened even more when he saw Antonio crying. Lovino couldn't believe it. The Italian's cheeks turned a soft red as he looked up at the Spaniard. Tears were trying so hard to force their way out of Lovino's eyes as he slowly stood up and kissed Antonio on the lips, feeling the hot tears that fell from the Spaniard's eyes. Antonio watched as the Italian's amber eyes closed before his closed as well and he pressed into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Lovino's frame to bring them closer to each other.

_Lovi…_ Antonio thought as he felt his lover's body slightly shake and the hot tears that he could feel coming out of Lovino's eyes. The Italian's lower lip quiver against Antonio's before the Spaniard pulled away. Lovino breathed heavily from lack of air as he felt Antonio's lips leave his.

"Ah~! You've made me so happy Lovi~!" Antonio said happily. Lovino looked away from Antonio, his cheeks turning even brighter than before. Antonio smirked as he kissed Lovino on the cheek, moving down to the Italian's neck and pecking him in ever spot until he got there. Lovino's face flared up and his body shivering slightly as he felt Antonio's arms moving up his white shirt. Antonio sucked on Lovino's neck, leaving a small bruise.

The Spaniard looked up at Lovino with determined emerald eyes. The Italian continued to look away from Antonio, making him smirk. Antonio swept Lovino off his feet, holding him bridal style as he headed for the stairs.

"W-What are you doing you bastard!" Lovino yelled, his face turning a deeper crimson. Antonio smiled at Lovino.

"What does it look like my love?" he asked in a soothing voice against the Italian's ear. Lovino's body shivered as Antonio's warm breath brushed against his skin. "I want…" Antonio trailed off, whispering the rest of his sentence in his lover's ear. Lovino's face completely flushed red as he kept his gaze from Antonio's face. "Lovi…?"

Lovino was silent for several minutes as his eyes slightly looked over at the innocent looking Spaniard that was looking down at him. Lovino swallowed hard as he felt his heart slamming against his rib cage. He felt like he wasn't able to breathe as he felt his face heat up even more than before. Antonio cocked his head to the side with confusion, waiting for an answer from the Italian and stopped walking when the two were at the door of the bedroom.

"Lovi…?" Antonio asked again, kissing his lover on his cheek to see if he could get an answer from him. Lovino shakily nodded, keeping his gaze from Antonio again. Without another word, Antonio walked into Lovino's room and closed the door behind him.

Antonio walked over to the bed and set Lovino down on it, giving the Italian a peck on the forehead before giving him a long and passionate kiss on the lips. The Spaniard's hands slowly unbuttoned Lovino's shirt, keeping their lips locked together. Lovino looked at Antonio as they kissed, the Spaniard's eyes were closed. Lovino could see the slightly pale look on the Spaniard's face.

_He…_ Lovino thought as he closed his eyes, tears falling out of them. Antonio's hand froze as he opened his eyes, feeling something wet. He's eyes slightly widened as he saw his lover crying. Antonio pulled away from the kiss and held Lovino's face in his hands.

"What's wrong Lovi?" he asked with concern. "Why are you crying mi amore…?" Lovino looked down as he choked back a sob, trying to use his arm to wipe them away. Antonio lifted Lovino's head again and licked away the tears running down his cheeks. "Please don't cry…" Lovino looked up at Antonio, his eyes still slightly watery from his tears. Lovino's lips quivered before he pulled Antonio down, making the two lock lips again.

Antonio saw Lovino crying again and he knew why. Lovino was still regretting killing his brother and not being punished properly for it. Even the Italian's actions told him so.

_Lovi…_ he thought as he felt the Italian's lips slightly part. He took that opportunity to stick his tongue into the Italian's mouth, fumbling with the shaky Italian's tongue. Lovino let out several moans as Antonio wrapped his arms around the Italian to bring them closer together. Antonio could feel Lovino's face starting to heat up even more as their tongues fumbled with each other over and over again.

Antonio eventually pulled away, a string of saliva connecting their mouths. Their breathing was heavy as Lovino was gently pushed down onto the bed, Antonio gently laying the Italian down on it. Antonio then proceeded to sucking on Lovino's hard nipple, making the Italian moan out in pleasure once again. Antonio's eyes had a slightly dark yet pleasurable look as he continued to stroke Lovino's cheek with his hand gently and kiss the Italian a lot. The Spaniard had also managed to remove the Italian's pants, tossing them on the floor.

Lovino moaned as he sucked on Antonio's fingers for several minutes. Antonio stared at his lover, a bit surprised by the Italian's actions. He had never seen Lovino act like this. Normally the Italian would be very reluctant to do this sort of thing. Antonio's eyes held a sort of softness that made it seem like he would cry, but he didn't.

_Lovi wants it…_ Antonio thought as Lovino finally removed his mouth from his fingers. Lovino looked up at Antonio with glazed amber eyes, making Antonio regret what he would do. However, he could tell that the Italian was horny and seriously needed it now more than anything. _Is this the only way I can help you my love?_

Antonio looked down at the Italian laying on the bed on his stomach. Lovino was panting heavily, sweat running down his face.

"Antonio…" Lovino moaned out for the Spaniard. "Antonio…" Antonio could feel his heart beating faster as he heard the pleas of his lover calling him over and over again. Antonio looked at his wet fingers before lying next to Lovino, his fingers slowly entering him. Lovino moaned more as three fingers were placed inside him, his hands gripping the sheets.

"Does it feel good Lovi?" Antonio asked in a whisper, his warm breath blowing against Lovino's ear. The Italian shivered at it but moaned, nodding his head. He didn't know how else to reply other than that. Antonio moved his fingers in and out, brushing against the walls inside of him. After a few minutes, Antonio removed his fingers from Lovino, hearing him moan again, louder this time.

Lovino laid on the bed, panting. "Put… put it in…" he softly pleaded. Antonio could see the dullness of Lovino's eyes and the little emotion they held. He didn't feel right doing this to his lover the way he was right now. "Antonio…!" he heard his lover moan his name again. He could tell by Lovino's erection that he did need it but he just didn't like the look in his eyes. The same look his lover had when all of this first started. That look was like a curse that seemed to be turned off and on as if someone was controlling it with a switch.

"Antonio…!" Lovino moaned again. Antonio knew it would be crueler if he were to have done all that to his lover and not go further. Antonio shook slightly before shaking his head. No. He knew he had to do it for Lovino's sake. He positioned himself, hands on the Italian's hips.

"Are you ready Lovi?" Antonio asked softly. "I'll put it in slowly so you can feel me, okay?" Lovino nodded slowly. Antonio hesitated before slowly entering Lovino. Lovino moaned loudly as he felt Antonio slipping inside of him. Repeatedly, as Antonio thrust his hips, Lovino called the Spaniard's name and moaned out in great satisfaction.

"M-More…!" Lovino pleaded. Antonio removed himself before flipping the Italian on his back before reentering him. Lovino's legs wrapped around Antonio's back and his arms around Antonio's neck as the Spaniard continued to thrust. Lovino closed his eyes as he forced Antonio down to kiss him. Their lips locked as Lovino continued to moan in pleasure with each thrust and the moaning getting louder and louder.

"Ugh! A-Anto… nio!" Lovino moaned as their lips parted for a few minutes before locking again. They're tongues danced with each other as the pleasures went on.

0-0-0

Antonio's thumb brushed against Lovino's cheek gently as he looked at the sleeping Italian. Both were still slightly sweaty. Antonio was going to suggest that the two take a bath together, but Lovino had already fallen asleep. Antonio gave a weak smile as he looked at the Italian's peaceful face.

_Lovi…_ he thought his name once again. Something just didn't sit right with Antonio for some reason. He didn't know why though. He could've just been over-reacting, which was something he did a lot something, but this feeling was completely different. Antonio let out a soft sigh as he hugged his lover close to him. His eye lids eventually gave out on him as he felt himself fall asleep without a second thought.

_Tomorrow would be different._ That's what Antonio believed as he plunged into a deep, deep slumber.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

Lovino shook as he stared down at the person in front of him. He shook his head over and over again. It couldn't be true. Lovino's trembling hand moving towards a tan hand that was near it.

"A….A…." Lovino's voice shook as he tried to speak. He placed his hand on top of the hand in front of him. "A-Antonio…?" Lovino's eyes gazed upon his lover's battered body. Blood was creeping down his forehead, bruises covered the Spaniard's arms, and it seemed as if Antonio's leg was broken. Lovino's body started to tremble uncontrollably as he stared at his lover.

The smooth tan skin was battered, the soft emerald orbs closed and hidden, and the sweet soft words gone from his lips. Tears flooded down Lovino's eyes as he stared at his lover lying there unconscious. He shook his head continuously again.

_No!_ Lovino thought as he held the sides of his head, staring at the Spaniard. _No! NO! NO! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!_

Lovino let out a terrifying scream as he realized what had happened. They were in an area unknown to him, Antonio was beaten and bruised, and another man laid unconscious on the ground near them. Antonio had saved him after Lovino had gotten into trouble again. Lovino's scream died down as he felt himself black out.

0-0-0

Lovino was awakened by a soft scent filling the air. His amber eyes slowly opened as they focused on the ceiling. He didn't recognize the room at all. White walls that looked as if they had just been cleaned, light colored curtains hanging on the window, and light colored sheets laying on top of him. His eye looked around the room more. Light oak dresser, chest, and night stand were the only items, beside the bed, that were in the room.

"Oh, you awake mon petit?" a familiar French voice asked as the door slightly creaked open. Lovino's head turned towards the direction of the voice.

"F-Francis…?" he asked groggily. He never liked the Frenchman, but he felt as if he couldn't move so he couldn't really run away.

"Oui. It is me," Francis replied as he walked over and stood over the Italian, looking down at him. "Ah. Was afraid there for a minute… I didn't think that you would wake up anytime soon." Lovino said nothing as he stared at Francis, his expression slightly blank. "Don't worry mon petit, I won't do anything to you in that condition."

"W…Where… Where is-"

"Resting." Lovino blinked in confusion at Francis. "Antonio is resting in another room. It's lucky I found you two when I did. Antonio would've died if I hadn't come along." Lovino looked away from Francis. "Lovino, you really need to stop this damn attitude you're having." Lovino felt himself freeze. He had never heard the Frenchman talk to him like that before. Normally Francis would speak in such a perverted why when he saw Lovino that it made the Italian sick to his stomach. This time, however, made his stomach tighten in a different way.

"I'm surprised Antonio is still putting up with you," Francis continued. "He's been trying his best to make you happy, but you seem like you don't appreciate it at all! Even when you were suffering from killing Feliciano he was still with you and trying to make you happy! Then you end up causing problems for him again by getting into trouble wit-"

"FRANCIS!" Francis turned around and saw that he was cut off by Antonio's yelling. "S-Stop…" Antonio's breathing was heavy and sweat was plastered on his face. It was obvious to Francis that the Spaniard was having problems just trying to move. He had a broken leg after all so it was no surprise.

Francis sighed as he scratched the back of his head. "Alright, I understand." He looked over at Antonio again and walked over. "Come on, we need to get you back to bed."

"I-I want to stay with Lovi…" Francis stopped walking as he heard this.

"You need to rest Antonio."

"Please Francis? Just… Just for a little bit?" Antonio pleaded. Francis stared at Antonio who was looking down at the floor with a saddened look. Francis sighed again.

"Alright. I'll give you an hour," Francis commented as he helped his friend to Lovino's bedside, letting him sit. "One hour and then you'll be going back to your room." Antonio smiled up at Francis with his usual goofy one.

"Gracious Francis~!" Francis waved his hand dismissively as he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. Antonio looked over at Lovino and smiled at him as well. "Ah~! Lovi! I'm glad you're okay~!" Lovino said nothing, keeping his face away from the Spaniard. Antonio was a bit hurt but kept smiling. "I thought you had gotten hurt after I blacked out~! I'm glad y-"

"Shut up," Lovino's voice interrupted coldly, making the happy smile on Antonio's face fade away.

"I-Is something wrong Lovi?" Lovino was silent, making a panicked look on Antonio's face appear. "L-Lovi… did I do something wrong!" Antonio took the Italian's hand into both of his. "I-If I did something wrong then tell me! I'll listen!" Lovino could feel Antonio start to shake, making the Italian's eyes slightly widen. He may have seen this kind of thing once or twice; he could still never handle seeing or feeling Antonio like this.

"N-Nothing's wrong…" Lovino finally replied. "I-I just… have a headache is all…" This seemed to make Antonio stop trembling and sigh with relief. The Spaniard nuzzled his cheek against Lovino's hand.

"Ah~! I'm so glad Lovi…" he softly said. Antonio set Lovino's hand down before scooting up more and lying down next to his lover. Antonio wrapped his arms around Lovino's waist and chest as he brought the Italian closer to him. Antonio kissed the back of Lovino's neck before falling asleep again. Lovino sighed.

0-0-0

Antonio woke up to find that he was still in the room Lovino was in but his Italian lover wasn't anywhere to be seen in the room. Antonio shakily sat up, feeling as if someone had just beaten him with a thousand baseball bats.

"Lovi?" Antonio's voice came softly. Antonio sat there as he tried to figure out what was going on. Everything that had happened so far seemed like a dream to him and he wasn't sure if he should worry or just go back to sleep until the dream ended. He was about to decide when all his thoughts were shattered by the door opening. Antonio's head turned towards the door to see Francis walking in, holding a tray in his hands.

"I see you're awake," the Frenchman stated as he walked over to the bed and set down the tray. Antonio looked down at the food before looking back up at his friend.

"Francis, where's Lovi?"

"He went home." Antonio's eyes widened as he grabbed onto Francis' arms.

"WHAT! Why did you let him leave!" he exclaimed. "Lovi's condi-"

Before Antonio could finish, Francis interrupted him. "I can't decide his life for him Antonio." Francis forced Antonio's arms off of him by pure force. The Frenchman's blue eyes blazing coldly as he stared into Antonio's emerald ones. "I know you're trying your best, but if you continue like this you'll only end up beaten, broken, or – even worse – dead…" Antonio looked down at his food again as he let Francis' words sink in. "Antonio, I'm your friend and I've known you for a long time. I know how your mind works and I know how you feel, but you won't be of any help to anyone if you end up dead. Not to mention Lovino would feel even worse, don't you think?"

"Yeah…. I get it…" Antonio said softly, knowing Francis was right. If something did happen and he died, Lovino would be left alone and would be in even worse condition than before.

"Antonio, don't let what I said get you down. I know how hard this is for you but you need to get well enough."

"I know Francis. I understand and I do thank you for helping me." Antonio gave Francis a weak smile. He knew his friend was right, but he hadn't wanted to admit it at first.

"If you understand then eat and get better," Francis then said as he walked out of the room.

0-0-0

_**I had always thought that if I was to help him, he'd get better. That he would want to be saved from this nightmare of his. I just wanted to help him, make him forget, make him understand that it wasn't the end of the world. I just wanted him to be okay and not worry anymore.**_

_**Please… Lovi. Please don't do anything to hurt your self. I don't think I would be able to stand that if you did.**_

_**2 Months. It's been two months since my leg was broken and it's almost healed. The doctor had said I was luck that it wasn't going to take longer than that for my leg to completely heal. So… why do I get a bad feeling all of a sudden as I wonder where my love is? I haven't seen him within the 2 months I've been at Francis' house.**_

_**Lovi… please be okay…**_

- Entry in Antonio Carriedo's Journal


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

**Antonio's POV**

"LOVI! LOVI!" I cried his name as I stared at his bleeding body. Lovi was unconscious from being hit by a car that was speeding. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes as my clothes began to stain with his blood. "LOVI!" I knew that no matter how much I cried his name that he wouldn't answer. How could he? The ambulance was taking too long to get here and I didn't have a medical kit so I could at least stop the bleeding slightly.

I shook my head. "No… please Lovi…" I couldn't loose him. I couldn't lose my love. Not now. Not when everything had been happening so far. "Lovi…" I could hear the ambulance in the distance but something told me they were too late. I could feel his body turning cold by the second. I could feel the hot tears falling from my face as the ambulance arrived and took him away from me. I was lost. How could this happen to him? I sat there, watching the ambulance rushing off to get my love to the hospital as soon as possible. Please… god… save him!

0-0-0

**No POV**

Antonio sat in the waiting room outside the emergency room for what seemed like days when it had only been hours. The only sound that could be heard was that of the clock ticking with each passing second. Antonio hadn't moved from his spot of staring at the ground since he had gotten there.

For the first time in awhile, Antonio looked up at the clock. It was already midnight, not wonder Antonio felt so tired. However, he couldn't sleep. His worries had consumed him from needing to sleep. He looked back down at the floor as the light to the ER still shone. He wouldn't sleep. Not until he knew he was safe. He wouldn't sleep until those doors opened and he saw his love alright and telling him that he was "a bastard" for making him wait.

The hours seemed to pass by slowly. Antonio could feel himself sleeping into unconsciousness. He kept forcing himself to stay awake, but it was no use. He fell to the side and fell asleep.

0-0-0

_**If only I had known what was going on… If I knew, I would've done something to prevent it. If only I could've heard his voice once more. If only I could have done something more. Feel those soft lips against mine. Feel that soft skin against my own just once more. Hear those rude comments just once more. But… I can't.**_

_**It hurts too much… It hurts. I can't bear this pain… Please… make it stop…**_

0-0-0

"Lovi… How are you doing mi amore?" Antonio asked as he looked down at the ground. There, a tombstone sat. On the stone tablet read:

'_Lovino Vargas. Brother to Feliciano Vargas._

_A great friend, brother, and lover._

_Spirited young man with no dream for the future._

_RIP:_

_March 17__th__, 1989 – March 30__th__, 2010_

_Died at age 21.'_

Antonio softly laughed. "That's good to hear mi amore. I'm doing fine myself. It seems like such a long time since I last saw you…" Antonio coughed. "D-Don't worry Lovi… I'm fine~!" Antonio took held out a small bouquet of red roses. "I brought you some roses my love~! Aren't they pretty? I bought them just for you~!" Antonio set the roses down on the grave and knelt there with a happy smile on his face. "Lovi~! I hope you and Feli are having fun~! I wish I could be at your little party~!" Antonio softly laughed as he covered his mouth again to cough. His body shook as he laid down on the grave, his head resting on his arm.

"Ah~! Lovi~!" Antonio breathed out raggedly. "Did you come to see me my love?" Antonio reached his hand out to the figure he saw in front of him, a gentle smile reached his lips. "Thank you Lovi… I think… I'll be coming with you soon…" A puff of air appeared with Antonio's breath. He softly laughed, making more puffs of air come out. The temperature was dropping everyday, signaling the coming of winter. "It's been 8 long months… huh Lovi? I've missed you my love." Antonio's words were soft and sweet as he laid there.

Antonio's dull emerald eyes closed. "Yeah… Te amo Lovi… I love you too my love…" Antonio's arm dropped to the ground. He laid there, motionless. A smile was still plastered on his face.

0-0-0

_**People have always told me that I was ignorant when it came to certain things. I never knew what they had meant at first, but now I do. I guess that's just something I failed to see within my life because I was that kind of person. But, sometimes I wonder if that's really true. I didn't care though. I had someone I loved who, even if he didn't show it most of the time, loved me back.**_

_**When he spoke, my heart skipped a beat. When he told me he loved me, I thought the whole world stopped spinning. He was everything to me. I would live without him to the best of my ability. I would visit him when I could, even though I never actually did.**_

_**Then, within that time, I became ill… so ill that the doctors said that I would die someday within the next year. Funny, isn't it? When something affects a person so much that it makes them sick… I wonder if this is the feeling Lovi had when Feli was gone… Probably not, but it's the closest I can get, right? As the days passed, I knew how much I had missed my love.**_

_**My soul had been broken into a million pieces after losing him. He was apart of me and I apart of him. I guess that's the kind of thing that happens when two people love each other so much. They seem to meld as one. I noticed that only after he was gone. If only others could notice that… Oh, wait… maybe they already did… heh-heh…! I guess that proves how oblivious I am… huh?**_

_**Lovi… even if I could never actually help you through your problems, just being with you made my life worth living. If we were to be reborn, I would want to meet you again. I would want to hold you in my arms the same way I had before. I would kiss you, love you, and even die for you. I know you will never read this letter, but I am planning on visiting you today. Even if my words don't get to you, I have never loved someone like I have loved you.**_

_**These last 8 months have been so hard on me my love… I missed you so much that I would sing that song you liked so much. You know… the one I always sang to you to help you sleep because of your insomnia… You were so cute when you slept so peacefully after I did. Ah~! Lovi~! I love you. I really do.**_

_**If we can be reborn in the same place… let me love you like I did before. Let me hold you in my arms and tenderly love you. Let me hear those words of false accusations that you always gave me when I tried to show you my affection. Let me hear those stuttered words of "I love you" coming from your quivering lips as I kiss them to make them stop. Let me understand who you really are. Let me be the one person who can make your world different. Let me be the one to hear you stutter rude words.**_

_**I was told: "Love comes in many forms" and I never got that. Now I do… I do now…**_

_**Lovi… Let me be your everything if we are reborn. Let me be the only one for you. Lovi… Te amo mi amore. I love you my love. I love you.**_

- Last Entry in Antonio Carriedo's Journal

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_A/N: Please don't kill me~! DX **runs from rabid fangirls** I'm sorry I ended it like this! But, I swear to god, I was crying to hard when writing this! I just... I was having such a hard time when I was killing off my favorite pairing~! _ A-Anyways... I hoped you enjoyed it..._


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